Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
