guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
