I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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