I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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