I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
