and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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