He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
