My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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