Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
sex in a hospital.. check
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Randomize
