Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
