they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
