Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
