Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
