where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
