Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
