I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I am naked and annoyed.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
