How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
