i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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