Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
a search helicopter?!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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