you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
