My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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