I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
