Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
