Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
