I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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