New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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