my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
