Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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