I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
