if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
