hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Nobody cheats on THIS.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
