You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
