can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize