i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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