i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
