I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The Olympian is in my bed
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
