My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
