i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
