Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
