I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
