I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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