i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
