it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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