Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
