Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
