There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
