$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize