just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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