Kiss
Puke
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
