I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
