Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
