last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
