Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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