There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
