My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
