Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
