when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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