She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize