the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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