I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
