got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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