when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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