The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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