I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
