Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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